Bless the broken road

Despite the recent wet apartment adventures, my mood has been good. I've had a wonderful time playing with my nephew, and visiting with all my family. I've taken advantage of my free time to practice some songs on my keyboard (without Thomas's help!), reread parts of my some of my favorite books, write more consistently in my journal, and make lots of soup and cookies.

Reading through past journal entries, looking at pictures on Micheal Hamblin's website, and just talking to people have brought back some bittersweet memories. It's been hard thinking about friendships that failed, relationships that ended, and innocence that has been lost. It's been hard realizing that just as others have hurt me, I have hurt others as well.

It's part of the "Beautiful Letdown" that switchfoot talks about in their song. It's realizing that this world, that people in this world, are gonna let me down. It's a letdown, but it's beautiful because it reminds me that indeed I don't belong here. And it leads me right into the arms of God.

Which brings me to today. I was in a music store when they played the Rascal Flatt's song "Bless the Broken Road". I've heard the song many times before, but today it made me cry. The writer is talking about earthly love, and I certainly hope that someday the words will be true to my life. But for now, the song is another reminder of how God has used my brokenheart to draw me closer to Him.


Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

It's raining in my apartment! or how I spent my Christmas vacation

This past Friday I dragged myself out of bed at 7am to use the bathroom. Instead, I found water pouring out of my bathroom vent. The next 2 hours were spent frantically finding pots and pans and other containers to try to catch the water that was beginning to drip out of the ceiling in every room, and every few minutes dumping out the trash can filled with water from the bathrrom vent. After a call to my sister, my brother in law brought over towels and buckets on his way to work. My sister, with my nephew in tow, came by after that. Eventually, maintenance came by to tear up carpet and bring a humidifier and some blowers to take out the water. Turns out the rain in my apartement was a result of a frozen water pipe that had burst. When my neightbor on the third floor turned on the water for his shower Friday morning, the pipe burst flooding his bathroom, the second floor apartment below, and my first floor apartment.

Thankfully, my belongings seem to have escaped relatively unharmed. I moved furniture and electronic stuff as quickly as possible to keep them from harms way. Since then, I've been spending the night at my sister's sleeping on her couch. While I was there, I made the mistake of using the bath soap that was in there. Apparently I'm allergic to it because I broke out into a rash the next day.Two showers later, using my own soap, I finally got over it.

I am back in my apartment now that all the stuff I had thrown on my bed to rescue from the water has been put back. I am still waiting for the carpet people to come back so I can move my furniture back and they can take the blowers and humidifier that are currently occupying a lot of the unharmed carpet.

Oh yeah, in between all of this we celebrated Christmas and I spent time with my visiting family.

And I thought I was a cynic.............

http://www.advisorteam.org/the_four-temperaments/temp_idealist.html


"All Idealists™ (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.


Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds."

What are you?

Thankful

I've been reading through some of my old journals and I ran across this that I wrote a few years ago. It still rings true.


When I am brokenhearted I will be thankful that I experienced love with such deepness
When I don’t want to get out of bed I will be thankful that I have a bed and roof over my head.
When I feel shame for my sin I will be thankful that God forgives me.
When I feel shame for committing the same sin again I will be thankful that God’s mercy never ends.
When I feel like God doesn’t care or hear me I will be thankful that what I feel doesn’t change the truth.
When my family drives me crazy I will be thankful that I have a family.
When tears pour from my eyes I will be thankful that I have a better understanding of joy.

When I lost my first love I was brokenhearted. I let my guard down, gave my heart to another, and it came back shattered. There was no one else to turn to but God, for He too has known the pain of a brokenheart. He gave his heart to the world and the world killed him, rejecting his love. Yes, he was a man of sorrows. When I give my pain to Him, allow Him to heal my heart and be the first love in my life, he joins in my suffering. He weeps with me and cries out at the injustices in this fallen world.

And then something miraculous happens; something I still don’t fully understand. Somewhere, sometime in the midst of my sorrow, where there was once only darkness and despair, light and hope creep through. There still may be much sorrow. The light and hope may not last very long, but still they are there, reminding me that God is faithful and giving me the will to go on. Someday when I am but ashes to this world I will live fully in the light and no longer need even the hope. For who hopes for what he already has? I will rejoice for eternity with my brothers and sisters in Christ. And I pray every day that you will be there with me.

Letting Go

Last week and this weekend ended up being filled with joy. It was a nice rest from the week before. Managed to get caught up at work, played with my nephew, had dinner at my sister's, slept in late Saturday, enjoyed Christams show, and saw Narnia.

Then Sunday night I found myself struggling with an acute case of loneliness. It struck me suddenly and scared me with its intensity. I recited scripture and cried out to God, but all I heard was the echo of my own voice. Talking to family/friends only left me feeling more broken inside. And in this brokeness I found myself once again having to surrender my fear, desires, and pain over to God. And eventually the loneliness lessened and joy returned.

When I was talking to one of my friends on the phone, he was asking how do you surrender your dreams to God, how do you let go? My answer: Usually kicking and screaming. I either get to the point where I tell God I want to surrender, but I can't do it on my own so I need His help. Or, I resist surrendering until I'm broken inside, and then I finally am willing to let go.

Looks like God wanted to drive that point home to me last night.

This song also helps me........


Gripping on so tight
with the security I have inside
Knowing what is right
holding onto my pride

Letting go.........of the things I hold so dear
Letting go........ of all my pain and all my fears
Letting go........ of the things I hold so dear
Letting go........ of all my pain and all my fears

I have been brought to a place
Where I want to give up everything
Where all I can do is seek your face
And my brokenness I will bring

Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on even though my faith has been built so long
Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on to what I know

I'm letting go


"Letting Go" by Jeremy Camp

All in a day's work

Here's the only problem about writing kinda downer posts...no one comments cause no one knows what to say. Then you feel like you're talking to yourself which doesn't really help matters.

Work yesterday: Went to work early to do some stuff I had been putting off. Then had a 2.5 hour IEP meeting with parent, special ed teacher, OT, psychiatrist, etc. Usually they last an hour, but this kid has a lot of issues. Because the IEP meeting took so long that meant I had to rush to the other school so I wouldn't be late for therapy. I finally got a new printer cartridge, but when I went to install it, I broke off a piece on the side of it by accident, so I spent 45 minutes trying to get it to work. Oh yeah, I also went to use the teachers bathroom , but it was backed up so I had to find a janator. Saw some more kids for therapy. One therapy session ended with one kid under the table kicking his legs and saying "I want computer." The other kid was rocking wildly in his chair and fidling with his belt. When I went to get my high schoolers for therapy, the other students made suggestive comments at me. After I finished seeing kids, I ended up staying late to work on paperwork for another IEP meeting today, then I realized that I couldn't print anything.

So, the day wasn't great. After the first IEP meeting I wanted to cry. But on the ride to my next school, I just repeated what I had read the night before. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2Corinthians12:9)

I asked God to give me the strength to get through the day, and he did. On the way home from work I decided to listen to the radio. I had been boycotting it because the station I usually listen to has been playing Christmas music, and there's only so much of that I can take. But they played "Blessed Be Your Name" and I was reminded that we are called to praise God no matter what our circumstances. As one line says "though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name."

After work was good. Went to my sisters for a bit and played with my nephew. Had dinner and bible study and had a fun time laughing and talking with people there. I wish those times would last and sustain to the next day. Cause waking up this morning was such a struggle, and despite time in prayer and scripture, I'm finding this bad mood hard to shake. But still I will try to praise my God and wait on him to lift me up.

Overwhelmed

Here's something I wrote two years ago. It fairly accurately describes how I've been feeling the past week/weekend. It wasn't until today that I finally started to believe the last two stanzas.

The world overwhelms me
As I lie here in my bed.
As I think of all that I should do,
Swirling thoughts fill my head.

I have no will to go on,
No drive to do what's right.
Tears of despair run down
I pray for God to end my life.

Seconds slowly slide by,
Sorrow eats my heart.
Peace is but a memory
Once your life falls apart.

I cry out in frustration
I weep in despair
I whimper in submission
To a God I know still cares

Yes, He loves every child
And He hears every plea.
Even when I can't love Him
He never stops loving me.

No I can't escape his love
In darkness, He's still there
I'm never alone, never abandoned
By a God I know still cares